☻ “If I became disabled I think I’d kill myself.”
     “Why wait?” 

☻ “Do you really need that [prescription / assistive device / extra service]?”

    “About as much as you need your sex organs. I can live without them, but it’s much nicer this way.” 

☻ “I knew somebody once who had that disability.”

    “Oh, that’s nothing. I know lots of people like you.” 

☻ “I really admire you.”

“Have you considered writing a biography of me? There’s good money in that, and I’d split the proceeds fifty- fifty.” 

☻ “They can treat that these days.”

    “Ooh, can you? Are you a doctor? I’ve got this horrible boil in my nose. Could you take a look?” 

☻ “So why are you like that?”

    “Telling the story costs twenty quid; payment in advance.” 

☻ “I think you’re really brave.”

    “I know. Not everybody can wear this, but I make it look smashing.” 

☻. “You know, [vegetables / vitamins / exercise / religion] can do wonders for that.”
 “You heartless, insentitive jerk! That’s what did this to me in the first place!” (Bonus points if your friend or carer then chews out the person for being cruel to the disabled, while you sob artistically or dart off in a huff.)